anger in ritual

I am trying to process something that happened at our Mabon ritual last Saturday. I would rather NOT think that Chris was accidentally aspecting Hades. I'm not sure I even think that;s possible. The unintentional part. Here's why. He is very angry with me for sort of cutting him off. We had a seriously enmeshed relationship and I had to stop. I just could not go on like that. He was angry at me the day of the ritual because I wouldn't pick him up and he had to take the bus. So, he did not bring any of the things he was supposed to bring to ritual. Being bitchy. I should have had a heads up then. But, I was kinda busy with the whole *hosting ritual for a bunch of other people* thing and I wasn't paying attention to just how pissed off he was.

So, then there was the actual ritual. Which he thought sucked. I did not think so. But, I had a few other perceptions which did not mesh with his as well. I had the most violent emotional reaction to what he said to the girl who was acting the part of Persephone. (We acted out the myth in ritual.) If I had not been one of the co-priestesses I would have walked out! I wanted to HURT him! Really. And the scary thing is, I used to behave in just that way. I have not physically or emotionally hurt anyone in a long while so the urge to do so was QUITE disturbing. He grabbed *Persephone's wrist and when she tried to pull her wrist away, he would not let go. And my reaction was so intense I DO NOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID! Only how I felt while he was saying it.
Then there was the grabbing the hands of the people on either side of him and trying to swing them back and froth to force them to raise energy. What kind of energy would that have been. I told him to stop. The participants were freaked out. No other group around here raises energy and these people had never been to a Reclaiming ritual. I don't really know what happened but I felt threatened and violated and I KNEW what was going on. Maybe that's why. Maybe ignorance IS bliss.
See, thing is, I've been in ritual with experienced priestesses who were TRYING to mes with my head and I have not been freaked out. I have never felt the desire to walk out of ritual. WTF?
Still processing.

gifts from the dead

I was pleased, at first, when some of my beloved dead arrived. Then I was perplexed. Now, I am offering thanks for their gifts. Advice, suggestions really.
*Know my strength
*Be creative
*Activate passion
*Align with my inner wisdom through sloitude and trust (in myself and renewed sense of hope in life. A renewed openess to possibilities - "continuous change and infinite possiblities")

They came to help me set boundaries around myself and give perspective. Guess I needed more help with those boundaries than I suspected. I should have known when my body began to get in on the action. I'm glad they're here. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind anymore.

"I know my own mind and it's around here somewhere."

I see dead people?

I have mentioned that I've been haunted lately. I know I have. I know a lot of dead people. It was making me a little crazy. I was frustrated. The dead were frustrated. How do you frustrate the dead? Don't listen! What do they want? I asked around. I'm a witch! Ask them what they want! So, I did. The dead have a different perspective. This may not come as a revelation to anyone but me but these were not the healthiest people when they were alive. Death changes that. They were here to share their perspective and help me work with my strengths. Work with my deep knowledge. In quiet and solitude. So not me! And some other crap I've been working on. I must always slam myself against a brick wall for a bit before a solution dawns on me. Feeling relieved but bruised.

So, do ya'll have beloved dead that just seem to want to hang out and kibbutz? I do. I could just be weird. It has been suggested before. But there must be more to it.

So, I am just really excited. See, when the housemates from hell moved in I had to move my computer and all the crap that goes with it. Well, I could not find the drivers for my scanner after that. Its been seven months. I have been quite disturbed by the icon for the nonworking scanner. Well, today, in the midst of cleaning my room (read: *This mess is so big and so wide and so tall we can not clean it up. There is no way at all.* Well, I did and without the *help* of
Thing 1 and Thing 2.) I found it in a pile of papers, in the plastic bag with the instructions and the bill and all the necessary stuff. It is now a functioning scanner and not just another bit a equipment that collects dust.

Visitors

Infinite possibilities! Indeed. Breathe into that. I dare you! I dared me! Gods, what a journey!

And here it is only early September and my beloved dead are already crowding in. Make hay while the sun shines!?? Does this bode well or.... It feels right. I was told by a friend to tell them to go. That they are tortured souls and I'm not tortured anymore. They don't seem tortured either. I never said I had poltergeists! Just house guests. They were frequent house guests when they were alive. So.... At least they don't cook or leave their crap scattered all over the house. Just all over my head! But, it feels comforting to have them around. Their presence brings me joy and a nice warm feeling. A calm. We did love each other. The best we knew how. And the fact that I am still among the living brings me gratitude. Given that this particluar lot of beloved dead has never visited enmasse before leads me to believe that they have a purpose. What, aside form lots of memories, I don't know yet. We'll just see where that goes.

So many changes have taken place over the last few months. Friends gone. Coven died a natural death. Well, I helped it along a little with the phrase, *I'm not comfortable working magic with you.* So, perhaps, a little euthanasia to end it's suffering. It was going before. Silly to pretend it was healthy. We had already stopped working together. No one had voiced it, though. So....

Old relationships over, new ones on the horizon. I am remarkably sane given the path I've been on. Or, perhaps, because of the path I've been on. There is no easier, softer way. Like *The Bear Hunt* no way out or onwards but through. There may be some residual drama left over. But, I choose not to participate. I've made chiooces based on my own integrity (which means *wholeness* BTW) and my own physical, mental, and spiritual health. I don't play around with that. I can't. Sometimes it takes me a while to catch on, all that tolerance and inherent value and all. Not that tolerance and inherent value ore bad as values go. No, no. They are right up there with what I aspire to be when I grow up. But there comes a time when I must hold my boundaries and let other people be who they are and do what they do outside of them (my boundaries).
This does not preclude loving them. No, indeed, it does not. I love them dearly and always will. But, love that coddles weakness in others does not strengthen the giver or the receiver. It damages everyone in the end. So, here's to repairing the damage and healing the wounds!

Journeys

As may be apparent from previous blogs, I have been on a journey. Not to a *place* but to a...different level of being, of awareness. It has been a journey into the dark. A journey I would not trade or alter. It has given me such valuable mementos. Yes, I had the opportunity to pick up a few souveniers on my trip.
I got the one where I learned to listen, really listen to my body and give it what it needs. Cause if I don't, it lets me know!
I got the one where I realised that the Goddess was there the whole time; a witness and a support but not easing anything I needed to experience, not *saving* me. Allowing me to do my own learning and growing. I felt *held* but I knew the work was mine to do.
I have brought back with me a knowledge of how fragile I can be and that it doesn't actually mean I am weak.
I have a new awareness of my motives in relationships. Now whether or not I can put that information to go use or not remains to be seen.
This was not a journey I would have embarked on gleefully but it was very useful and I am grateful for the experience. I find myself in a sea of calmness today. I needed that calmness and was surprised by it. I had to have a conversation with Chris. It was important that I get some information that I needed to set clear boundaries and I really needed for myslef to ask him to sort out the lies from the truth. Well, in as far as he can be trusted, he did. I am inclined to believe him because it would have served him better to say they were all lies. Which he did not. And this information is vital in setting boundaries that I can live with. Like, is he welcome in my house? No, I do not entertain active addicts in my home. I do not! Is he still my friend? Yes, but there must be a new distance between us. I can not and will not play games with him. I am not going to stand around and watch while he explodes. But, I can allow him to make his own choices and learn his own lessons and still love him. Right now, he does not understand why my love feels different to him. The boundaries have been reset. They feel cold.

And something else:
A line from a chant: We dare to call her to our lives.
Dancing changing we are.

We've had a lot of explosive rituals ever since last Samhain. I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just noticing. I don't think we're done yet. I know this situation isn't done. (with Chris) And it leads into this. I was surprised by the grief that followed his announcement and the visions of all the dead addicts in my life. Each one has been present ever since he went back out. See, the love that I have for him will be a love that is really painful until this is resolved either by his death or his recovery. That may sound harsh but I think that is why these beloved dead have been haunting me. For what purpose, though? To help me perpare for his death? To help me remember just why I have set such stringent boundaries? As a reminder for me? I don't know, but they continue to swirl and share their pain. And I loved them too. Perhaps to remind me that love is not always enough. I hope they will further enlighten me soon.